Marriage & Relationships

Several years ago I took two years of Chinese cooking classes. I even had two woks and was full of myself. In my first marriage, I even had a cooking island—it felt like a Benihana style restaurant. I had a married couple over for a seven course Chinese dinner and everything was going well. I … The Sunny Side of Control

In past articles, Terry and I have talked about the importance of not keeping secrets, which can build walls between us. This would imply that telling the truth serves connection and closeness in relationships. Unfortunately, as with most things, this “ain’t necessarily so.” Sometimes the “truth” can drive us apart, and not just when we … When “Truth” gets in the way: “Good” vs. “Bad” Communication

This month began with my 55th birthday. I anticipated this milestone with some anxiety, because it was at Christmas, 1970, that my grandfather died of a heart attack while on a business trip to Galesburg, Illinois. I was 9. That Christmas morning, I opened his final present to me, a beagle puppy that we named … Reflections in the Quiet



I agree heartily with Terry’s idea that couples do better when there is a sense of fairness about who does what, gets what or controls what is happening. Equity fosters equanimity and limits the buildup of resentment. That said, we have to careful about what we consider “fair and equal,” or what we think will … All Is Not Fair In Love

I think many of us have a similar story from the past. I had an older brother, Larry, and when our mom had one piece of pie left, she’d give the command, ‘One cuts, the other chooses.’ I suspect there was not a 64th of an inch difference because we both knew intuitively what was … Fairness

Another way we can differ is in how we decide. In a book by that name written in 2009, Jonah Lehrer suggested that ALL our decisions involve the emotional part of our brain, and that without it we may struggle to make even the most simple of decisions. Indeed, those with damage to the orbital … Decisive Differences

An old line from the AA crowd comes to mind, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Twice in the last week in my work, people asked for advice on what to do with significant information they have not told their partners. In one, a young woman is getting married to a Mormon man who … Secrets….

Three weeks ago, while we were having our usual pre-lesson chat with our tango teachers, Terry said he felt dizzy and didn’t think he would be able to dance that day. When he added that he had some discomfort in the left side of his jaw, I suggested we head to the emergency room. He … For Better of Worse: in sickness and in health, till death do us part

In my first post on FineWiner.com, I wrote about the five markers of a ‘good marriage.’ Coming in fifth on the list was sexual compatibility. This is one of the touchier issues to address for many couples. For some couples, sexual compatibility is being sexual three times a week; for others, being sexually compatible is … What is a ‘good sexual life’ for us older adults?

Perhaps one of the most useful ideas I learned in graduate school was the concept of the ‘emotional bank account.’ This is very similar to your checking account—it is not fixed or static. You make deposits, you make withdrawals. These deposits and withdrawals are deposits or withdrawals of trust. If I bring my wife a … Your Emotional ‘bank account’