Having just completed my 70th year on this planet, I find myself in a reflective mood. What has mattered the most all these years? Can I offer anything useful to an 18-year-old about what lies ahead? Not that I’ve been asked, of course. But then, I don’t recall asking 70+ year-olds to answer that question when I wa......... more »
Q Last week was a hard week at work. I manage a team of pretty tough construction workers. I have found that the best way to manage them is to invite them into my life, talk about their home life, and work as a team. Of course, I want them to like me. The problem is that I think I have lost control of the team. Likeni......... more »
In “Fiddler on the Roof,” Tevye and Lazar Wolf joyously celebrate their agreement on Lazar’s engagement to Tzeitel by toasting, “L’Chaim”—“To Life!” Their duet goes on to playfully contrast the joys and sorrows of life, with the repeated exclamation that despite the times of confusion, sadness, or ......... more »
Low back pain is an epidemic in our modern day society. In 1 year, 36% of our population will suffer an episode of back pain. Low back pain is the most common reason for general activity limitations and work absences in most of the world. The economic effects of low back pain are immense. And unfortunately, low bac......... more »
Q I have come to realize that I am an unsuccessful perfectionist. I am guessing it started when I was a young girl. My room was always clean and organized, especially in comparison to my younger sister’s room. I have tried to maintain a perfect house with well-accomplished children. Now in my mid-50’s I am begi......... more »
In past articles, Terry and I have talked about the importance of not keeping secrets, which can build walls between us. This would imply that telling the truth serves connection and closeness in relationships. Unfortunately, as with most things, this “ain’t necessarily so.” Sometimes the “truth” can drive......... more »
February 8, 2017 It is 9:38 pm. Moments before sitting in my chair I was laying on the floor nose to nose with our 2-year-old golden retriever, Poppy. I have just completed 40 pushups and planked to the count of 80. I feel weaker than I did before my kidney surgery last October, but at the same time feel that I am slo......... more »
Q My daughter thinks I drink too much. She also thinks I work too hard. And, she thinks I spend too much money on her. She was a worrywart even as a young child, always having to take care of the family. If we were out walking on the beach she would have us move further away from the water to be sure we weren’t swep......... more »
I admit it, I struggle to maintain my focus in the off season. I love racing and participating in events during the summer, but more than once last summer, it occurred to me that I could run faster or cycle longer if only I had worked harder in January or February. Here are a few tips to help you stay motivated in t......... more »
[Written 17 December 2016] My wife's mother just died two nights ago. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia quite a while ago, so . . . this was a surprise to none of us. I wasn't with her that night, but my wife – her eldest daughter – was. But it has made me think. About her mortality. And about my reaction......... more »
I returned a few weeks ago from a fun-filled week hiking on the coast with some buddies. While I have a history of back pain, carrying the heavy pack all week didn’t bother me at all. We did some rock climbing and carried a lot of firewood. Oddly, when I was driving about one hour from home my back started “killing......... more »
Another cyclist died. Killed by a car. This cyclist was a brilliant 25-year-old teacher who led a group of cyclists on a cross-country trip to raise money for affordable housing projects. It happened on a Thursday morning in Oklahoma. The driver apparently reported to police that she had been looking down at her cell p......... more »
Several years ago I took two years of Chinese cooking classes. I even had two woks and was full of myself. In my first marriage, I even had a cooking island—it felt like a Benihana style restaurant. I had a married couple over for a seven course Chinese dinner and everything was going well. I was down to my last ‘h......... more »
In this four part series we have looked at some key elements of wine: acid, alcohol, and sugar. Lastly we come to bitterness and astringency. If you drink wine long enough you are bound to experience a wine so bitter that it feels like every surface of your mouth has been wiped dry with the world’s most moisture-abso......... more »
Every year I look forward to receiving the annual report from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation because it is always full of encouraging and energizing facts concerning recent trends in the world we live in. This year is no exception. The recent report is in the form of a progress report to Warren Buffet concern......... more »
Q As a young girl my wife was exposed to sexual abuse. Apparently it occurred on a couple occasions. There are times now that she just shuts down to any physical touch. She will come home from work and just want to hibernate, not even wanting to be hugged. She says touch at that point can even bring physical pain to h......... more »
Often, we feel we can’t start writing because we are not inspired. Or we feel that we have become “flat” as writers when we look at what we have written. Here are 10 writing prompts inspired by the opening lines of novels, films and a short story. I believe that working from any of these prompts will allow you to......... more »
Q I am a 46-year-old woman who is afraid to go to a job interview. I have been out of work for several months now. I actually am pretty skilled and have a decent resume. The problem is that as soon as I get into my car to go to an interview, I start to experience anxiety. The closer I get to the job site, the worse th......... more »
Q My wife of 35 years controls my life. She controls our money. She controls what our house looks like. She controls what I eat. She controls how I dress. She controls where we travel. She controls how I interact with our children. She controls our sex life. She controls what kind of car we have. She controls what col......... more »
Back in the 70”s, when the Japanese automakers began to seriously take market share as a result of their high levels of quality and dependability, we began to study their systems to see what was giving them such an advantage. Turns out that a major contributor was their deep commitment to statistical process control ......... more »
Brains don’t like negative stress, so says the authors of a study, which was reported in the December 2014, edition of Psychology and Aging. The authors expected to find an association between so called cognitive decline and everyday memory problems being exacerbated by stress. One hundred and twelve people were s......... more »
Q I am a 40-year-old single mom and I have an energetic 4-year-old daughter. My daughter’s father lives in another state and is pretty much a deadbeat. He is of little help both financially and emotionally. There are so many times that I get exhausted with my combined work and parenting. I hate it when I yell at my ......... more »
The year was 1998. That was the year that I decided to ride by bicycle partway around the world. I was twenty years old and my best friend and I decided we needed an adventure. My friend Russ had already done a bit of traveling and we had both cycled locally but I had never taken on anything like this before. In fact I......... more »
I’m pretty sure I’m going to stop being invited to social functions soon. People ask what I’m working on these days and inevitably the conversation turns to dying. The thing is, I’m really convinced that our Western end-of-life experience could be better, and I feel passionate about the fact that being able to ......... more »
At the moment I am sitting about 30 miles north of Kona, HI. It is a beautiful afternoon with the temperature about 80 degrees, a mixed-cloud sky, and a soft breeze blowing the palm trees. I feel very privileged to spend some time in this wonderful State during the winter. Even with all the laid-back mojo here on th......... more »
For many years, my clinical psychology practice served only men, sometimes with a woman in their lives. One glaring vulnerability often appeared in my conversations with older men. Men at midlife and beyond are often profoundly lonely. Isolated. Here is a typical conversation while getting acquainted with a man in ......... more »
Q Ain our relationship. We are looking forward to retirement in two years but are in conflict over the next place to live. He wants to travel around the world like two hippies from the 60’s and I want to find a small cottage on the coast. Every time we try to discuss this we end up in an argument. I have no idea how......... more »
I started to write the blog I intended to write this month about “good” communication, and then stopped. As the list of “bad” communication techniques suggests, communicating well takes focus and effort, often requiring that we override our automatic tendencies to “get” others to either see things our way o......... more »
You've probably heard the saying "siblings are your first friends." They are how you learn to play well with others, how to share, and how to fight and make up. As your parents age, they share the challenges of caring for aging parents. When your parents are gone, they are the ones with whom you share memories of your ......... more »
Q I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago. At first, I took the recommend medication (lithium). Everyone around me says it helped my moodiness and erratic behavior, but I didn’t like how it made me feel. I felt kind of flat and I gained some weight. My husband thinks I should go back to my doctor and......... more »
In our first Power of Philanthropy article, we talked about some ways in which the power of philanthropy is changing the quality of life for those on the receiving end. Now we’d like to talk about the very substantial benefits to those that are on the giving end of these philanthropic efforts. In past blogs we talked......... more »
Act One – Prologue There are certain sins that one can only appreciate when one reaches a certain maturity. An ice-cold, straight-up, gin martini is one of them. The question is, can one forgive oneself? Can God? I was raised in a church where I was taught that one drink of alcohol would send you to the fires o......... more »
Q I have two adult siblings. My older brother has always been “out there” when it comes to fitting into society. He is part hippy, part pothead, part intellect, and part narcissist. Frankly I have not enjoyed being around him for many years now. He has lived several states away and that has been just fine with me.......... more »
With this blog I am hoping to provide a comparative perspective on aging, using my own experiences, my research and the work of others on the anthropology of aging. I plan to explore how other cultures approach the task of growing old, the statuses and roles of older members in non-Western societies, and ultimately, ho......... more »
Act 2 - The Ritual 5:30, post-meridian. Home, going nowhere. The coat comes off. The shoes come off. The fireplace goes on, or the breezeway door is opened. Settled. A chair. A view. No TV, no phone, no computer. A friend/family/lover. Or not. An empty stomach. More about that in a minute. My Friday martini is ......... more »
In Erich Maria Remarque’s 1931 novel, “The Road Back” (sequel to “All Quiet on the Western Front”), he follows a group of German soldiers home, as they try to reintegrate into civilian life after Germany’s surrender. They find everything changed—themselves, their friends, their family. When pushed to tell......... more »
It was June and I was a16-year-old getting ready to enter my sophomore year in high school. I made the decision to go to the try-outs the following day for football. I remember how hot the morning was there in the locker room where I received my helmet, pants, pads, and jersey with #11 on it. To say I was anxious was a......... more »
Act Three – Ingestion, and Postlogue Raise the glass. Inhale. What you smell is cold, with a light scent of lemon, and maybe, maybe, a little sharpness from the alcohol. Your mind, in a conditioned response, sets off on its journey even before the chemistry catches up with it. My soul is past the point of no retur......... more »
Q The other day my son accused me of having OCD. While I have heard the term, I don’t really know what he is talking about. I don’t wash my hands more than I need to. Beside I have no idea what to do about it anyway. Hank A Dear Hank: As Dr. Travis Osborne of Seattle says, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (......... more »
Men are often lampooned for their reluctance to express the full range of emotions. “Why can’t he just tell me what he’s feeling?” Or, “I wish he wouldn’t clam up when I ask him about something emotional!” Though it may not seem like it sometimes, men are born with limbic systems – the parts of t......... more »
Perhaps the reason I was never given the opportunity to get on the football field in high school was because I had no talent. I don't know how any coach would know that, since I was never allowed to try, but it was certainly one explanation. However, I had suspicions that it may have been related to my 8th grade experi......... more »
A new report published recently in the Washington Post analyzed the sexual habits of 26,000 people. It turns out that this group had sex 53 times in 2014, down from 62 times a quarter a century ago. The drop off was most pronounced among married people, who now have sex 55 times a year, down from 73 times a year in 199......... more »
An accordion. That’s what my life feels like right now, with pressure from two sides. I reflected on this in my first “Fine Winer” article, that I’m feeling the “middle” in “middle age.” My wife, Joy, and I are dealing with the growing pains of our young adult kids, and with aging parents. We worry a......... more »
"From the front page of USA TODAY, Wednesday, May 3, 2017 – “World War III: Americans are thinking about the unthinkable.” So it’s not only me! All this macho missile rattling. It’s not that I think that the US and the People’s Republic of North Korea are really going to throw down plutonium, but, th......... more »
I am a plaintiff’s personal injury lawyer. I sue insurance companies, corporations, individuals, and the government when their reckless, careless, or even intentional, actions harm people. Accusing people of wrongdoing creates tension and discomfort. People (and organizations) don’t like to be held accountable for ......... more »
Q I am 53-years-old and have been married four times. My sister calls me crazy but I think I would like to finally find a good wife. I have checked out the main bars in town but the “crop” of women doesn’t look to good for this season. Any ideas? Billy A Dear Billy, I think I see a couple things wrong wi......... more »
Last month I wrote about the fifteen different ways Cognitive-Behavioral expert David Burns suggested that we can communicate badly, beginning with the need to defend our “truth.” Not to worry if you don’t remember more than 2 or 3 of those 15 communication “potholes. “ The details are less importan......... more »
Often, we feel we can’t start writing because we are not inspired. Or we feel that we have become “flat” as writers when we look at what we have written. Here are 10 writing prompts inspired by the opening lines of novels, films and a short story. I believe that working from any of these prompts will allow you to......... more »
“There he goes again. Every time I ask him to take the trash out he throws a fit!” or perhaps “Ok doc so my blood sugar is elevated. That just makes me a sweeter lady doesn’t it…what’s the big deal?” These are just exa......... more »
I was reminded of the importance of daily exercise when I read the article titled "Heart Healthy on the Amazon" (NY Times, April 6, 2017). An article by the Times regular writer on fitness Gretchen Reynolds summarized an anthropological study of the Tsimane people, a group of subsistence hunters and farmers living deep......... more »
