Ask Dr. Tim: Every since my husband retired 15 months ago our marriage has had more conflict
Q
Every since my husband retired 15 months ago our marriage has had more conflict. In the prior 37 years we had our ups and downs but nothing like this. I can’t figure out what has gone wrong. We were looking forward to spending more time together. Well, that has certainly happened. I wonder if we are spending too much time together? He plays golf three mornings a week. Then he comes home, plops into his easy chair and watches reruns of Bonanza and Wagon Train the rest of the day. During commercials he call for me to bring him water, ice tea, or a beer. He also is free to tell me how I should be running the household. After all when he ran his company it would be “shipshape”. Frankly I am wondering if it would be such a bad think if the big chandelier above his TV chair were to come loose and fall on him!
Lucy
A
Dear Lucy,
As the saying goes, “if only I had a dollar for every time I have heard this”. This is such a common story in today’s world. In my private psychology practice I hear a variation of this story every week. As I see it, you have several options:
- Say nothing, get a little French maid’s dress, continue to serve him, and go completely “nuts”.
- Redirect your own energies so that you are unavailable to fulfill his drink orders. As such, “get a life” of your own.
- Be willing to risk the marriage by setting parameters. Let him know that he needs to find PURPOSE in his life. Sure, playing golf three days a week is great, but that is not evidence of having purpose in life. If he is a “joiner” there are many good groups to join out there…unless you live in a town of only 500 people. If he is not a joiner, hopefully he can find a mentor to provide direction for his life. Part of the parameter setting is for you to object to his micromanagement of the household. He would likely have never stood for that when he was the boss of his business, would he?
Good luck and keep an eye on the chandelier!
Dr. Berry