Ask Dr. Tim: You may not believe this but I am a 45-year-old virgin…

Q:

You may not believe this but I am a 45-year-old virgin…well sort of. I have been married eight years now and have never had an organism during intercourse. We have three children. I was a “good protestant girl” growing up and was told that I would go to hell if I had premarital sex. I have been able to have an organism through masturbation so I know my sex organs work. I basically am afraid of being vulnerable. My husband is frustrated with me much of the time because I am not real anxious to engage in sex. He has a few choice names for me that are not real positive. I guess I can’t really blame him for being frustrated…can I?

Nikki

A:

Dear Nikki:

Believe it our not, but you are not the only “sort of 45-year-old virgin”. In my practice I have spoken to both females and males who are basically in your same situation. Some have simply never married. Many others have had “sex” but have never “made love”. The fact that you are afraid of being vulnerable says a lot. For one thing this tells me that you may have been hurt badly when you were younger. Another factor is that you may not currently be in a trusting relationship. To be vulnerable we must be able to trust.

I can’t imagine you would be very excited to engage in sex, as things are. But you could possibly feel safe in “making love” if some changes were made. I would not be surprised to find out that your husband has never learned how to “make love”. Oh of course he has the natural instinct and ability to have sex…to procreate. But there is a vast difference in knowing how to procreate (something all animals automatically know how to do) verses making love. The two of you will likely need some added help with this. I would encourage you to try and help him “stumble” into lovemaking through subtle education on your part. There is a helpful exercise called Sensate Focus which teaches couples how to “make love” not just have “sex”. Please look it up.

By the way, while I am not very big into blame…he actually has a very big role here, especially if he is not willing to grow and make changes. This is a team effort.

Dr. Tim