HOW COULD ANYONE
To receive this kind of news is that nightmare of any parent. Their mentally ill adult son was arrested for burglary, once again. This time, however, it was different. Plagued with a long history of addiction, depression, and hopelessness their son hanged himself in his jail cell. Bitter grief as well as many other emotions flowed over this family like a tsunami.
While there are certainly many questions and few answers at these times of tragedy, judgment and criticism typically follow from some members of the neighborhood, community, or even the family. Sometimes the questions are – what could we, or what should we have done, questions. These are unanswerable and yet so easy to ask from the outsider’s perspective.
We do know a few things. The man who found it necessary to end his life did so because he felt it was the only way to stop his years of emotional pain. We also know that he was once someone’s dear child. We know that with the painful times, there were also those special good times. We also know the following song was chosen by his parents for his memorial service because they have special meaning:
How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.
How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you’re connected to my soul.
(Words by Libby Roderick, 1958)
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So many families are impacted by brain disorders/mental illnesses, including mine. When I stop and count, I come up with at least 8 people I have known who have ended their lives in recent years……… The talented young man in Port Angeles who loved drawing and sharing his art with so many of us. The young P.A. woman full of laughter as well as her challenging illness , who chose to swim out by a local dock and let the cold water take her life. Trying so hard to help her brother who also suffered from a brain disorder, a local, compassionate woman chose to die in her car out in remote woods. A cousin (and husband, father, and son) who purposely left this earth. A young P.A. man who was loved by a large family—loved fishing in Alaska with his dad. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle—the lion sleeps tonight” was the song C. loved and Wanted me to sing with him when we happened to see each other, before his suicide. Driving off the end of Cay’s Road near where we used to live, a lady suffering from deep depression ended her life.
Precious, beautiful people who have chosen to leave us. May they finally rest in peace. And may their families be able to remember the moments of joy and delight shared with their loved one.
And then there are the many suicide attempts which I and many of my NAMI friends have endured with some of our family members and friends, including the young man jumping out a third floor window and somehow surviving.
We all somehow survive, trying to find tranquility in each moment….for that is what we have—-this moment.
Thank you for letting me share. It’s fine if it is not appropriate for the blog…..but writing about the people and remembering them has been good for me. Kay Snowhook
This young friend was a canary in the mine. As a society we are failing in many ways and he was a big failure for a system designed to help people like him. My life is less rich with out him. And without the young person who was shot by Seattle police. And the friend of my daughters who killed himself because of realities of race, class and addiction. And a young person in our community who didn’t find a way to be a member of our community with out harassment and fear and who died of sepsis in Seattle. It has been a year of sad stories for the young men in my life. Time for us elders to engage in ways to better their prospects. The world is a dimmer place without each and every one of them.
You state it well: “The world is a dimmer place without each and every one of them”. As you know all too well, sometimes words just seem hallow. When those times come, we are left with just our feelings. Oh those feelings! As a society, we generally have distain for feelings…especially among the young men, like those you have mentioned above. Perhaps, as we continue to hold their feelings, and share them…the “dimmer place” may not be quite as dim.