Ask Dr. Tim: My 52-year-old husband was seen by one of my friends last week with another woman…

Q

My 52-year-old husband was seen by one of my friends last week with another woman at a restaurant out of town. It appeared not to be a business meeting since they were reported to be holding hands and smiling at each other a lot. We have only been married for six years and I am devastated. I knew things have cooled off sexually in the past few months. We have also been bickering a bit more. I don’t know whether to confront him with this or wait it out. I certainly don’t want to make matters worse do I?

Crushed

A

Dear Crushed,

Well let’s assume that your friend was not making up “fake news”. As such this was indeed not a business meeting…unless your husband in in the “monkey business”! According to what you have stated, you don’t have much information to work on. If there were no holding of hands and smiles, I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was perhaps business. But according to your source, this is worthy of your attention. You have a challenge in front of you. Do you want to immediately walk away from your marriage? Some would, whether he he fesses up to this relationship or not.

Or would you prefer to view the “affair” as a “symptom” of a greater problem? Perhaps he isn’t the only problem here. Certainly he has done himself and you wrong. But perhaps there is some big ole relationship-elephant sitting right in the middle of your living room which neither of you have been willing to look at.

If you do choose not to just walk away, I encourage you to try to work towards trying to understand the situation. While it is never okay to cheat, it does usually take two to tango. Through all the pain, the question I try to have people ask is “what can I learn about myself in this situation”? Though painful, believe it or not, you can actually become closer through this mess. Not confronting the problem will likely only make matters worse. Find the right time, but don’t wait too long.

Dr. Berry